Hearts broken.

"But when you truly love something, you can overlook the darker sides in order to focus on all of the happiness it brings you." 
-Caroline Ouellette, Players' Own Voice 

"I was that kind of invincible the first time I saw the movie "A League Of Their Own." I liked it for all the reasons a junior high jock might -- clever dialogue, funny characters, a sports tie-in. I was reaping the benefits of Title IX every day, but I had no understanding of the sea change it had caused, so the idea of sports being a "guy thing" felt like ancient history, the characters in the movie no more real than those in "The Mighty Ducks" or "Wayne's World."

It wasn't until I revisited the movie just a few years ago, after decades absorbing the blows of misogyny, with an earned understanding of the limitations placed on women by society, that I truly felt its power. I cried alone on my couch, newly moved by the women of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League, who lost the game they loved to men returning home from war."
-Sarah Spain, ESPN
 

Today is a sad day. No matter what comes next, when the CWHL announced it was folding today, for many it marked the end of their professional career in hockey. I can only imagine how those players, and members of the staffs are feeling. I am sorry.

Before I heard the news, what I wanted to blog about was why I read women's sports coverage. Instead, I will just write.

A couple years ago, I was out to lunch with two of my bosses, both of whom were mentors, one especially so. At the time I had a three year old, and an infant son who had just started daycare. I was struggling, working 50 plus hours a week, commuting an hour total a day. My son was nursing, I was pumping, and waking up at least once a night to feed him. We had new financial stress with a daycare bill that had just gone up $1,300 a month, now that we had two kids in care.

In survival mode, I cared for my children, did my work and let everything else go, until things calmed down a bit. I was doing a great job, but it was so hard. I asked for some help at work, some more flexibility in my work schedule to help me through. My bosses just didn't get it. They helped me a bit, but mostly said no, and came up with some asinine suggestions too (reduce my hours in five months, after busy season; reduce my pay now for one example). They had a loosey goosey approach to supporting mothers. We all had different arrangements, mine was the worst. My boss told me it was because I was so valuable to them. Another boss lectured me, told me I was lucky my husband and I had one in law in town to help us. It cut like a knife.

Meanwhile, there were other young women in the office who had infants as well. Some of our  colleagues, young 30 somethings, mostly men but sometimes older women too, would openly disparage the women for needing some support, for having the audacity to ask to work from home on occasion for example, for maybe not being at their absolute best at this brief moment in their life, in their career.

Again, it cut like a knife. You don't know me, dear reader, but I work hard, and I'm good at what I do. The same is true of my colleagues who were being disparaged. I always understood that success happens when hard work meets opportunity, but in that time of my life I kept looking but could not find the opportunity. I felt alone.

It was a difficult back and forth thing, but I felt both that I was failing, and being failed. Today, I know the latter was far more true than the former, but it was hard to accept that in the moment. It was hard to accept that people who said they would support me weren't doing so, and hard to accept that I wasn't special - hard work alone and whatever potential I had would not prevent me from finding the limit of my own glass ceiling.

Back to that lunch with my bosses. We were in a sports bar and one of my bosses, seeing it on ESPN, pointed out that the women's hockey team was boycotting. I assumed he meant NWHL (they had recently cut salaries), and I'm embarrassed that my knee jerk reaction was to assume it was related to that, and made what I now know was an ignorant remark about not having fans in the seats.

Back at the office, I googled and learned what it was actually about. There was good coverage on ESPN, sure. But the outlet that covered the story non stop was the Ice Garden. In that moment, more than 25 years since I had first started hockey, I discovered women's hockey fandom. I've never left, and as long as women's hockey -and coverage- continues to exist, I never will.

It turns out, I needed hockey in my life at that moment. And not just any hockey, I needed women's hockey and that particular 2017 USWNT led by Meghan Duggan. There were three parts to their story that will never leave me.

The first is the incredible audacity of Team USA to have the 2014 Olympic jerseys' inside collar reference the men's 1980 Olympic gold medal, but not the women's 1998 gold medal.  Can you imagine being Kelli Stack, Molly Schaus, or Alex Carpenter, BC Eagles representing Team USA, having the sweat off your neck soak into a collar that celebrated your teammates' college coach, Mark Johnson, but not your own college coach, Katie King? Two USA Hockey heroes, but only one worthy of recognition, apparently. This oversight is one of the things the women brought up when they talked about the disrespect they were shown by their governing body.

The second thing that will never leave me about their fight is the ending. Hilary Knight, whether you think she's the best player in the world, or on the best on that team or not, was the face of the team at that time. Hers was the last face we saw in both videos the team released - the first announcing the boycott, the second released after an agreement was reached. When the World Championship was won in overtime, on home soil, of course the goal came off the stick of Hilary Knight. You could not script better drama. I wanted more.

The third thing that will never leave me was the portion of their fight that related to maternity leave. God bless these women for fighting that fight, and winning it. What happens in sport is a microcosm for what occurs in the larger world. I only hope that one day all American women will have the benefit of a proper maternity leave policy.

As people are aware, United States federal law does not provide for paid maternity leaves. Depending on your employer you might get a financial benefit. Or, depending on your employer you might not even qualify for FMLA, which protects your job for 12 weeks but pays nothing. I had what would be considered a good job. Because of the timing of my pregnancy, they let me have 4 months off. I had a short term disability policy, 100% paid for by me, that provided 60% of 5 weeks pay. This is life in America for a privileged woman. It is not my nature to feel sorry for myself, but don't women deserve better? It was impossible for me to see the 2017 USWNT's fight with their governing body, and not see some version of the challenges I felt in my own life.

Their ability to find their voice, to organize, to fight, to win, is what I needed to see. It's helped me more than any book by Peggy Orenstein, or Sheryl Sandberg, or Annemarie Slaughter, or, or, or. And, in the time since that 2017 WWC I have continued to learn from, gain strength from, and be inspired by the strong women in sport, and all people who support it.

I ultimately left the job I was at. I grew a lot and got good mentoring there, for most of my eight years there, although in the end we outgrew each other. I'm sure they look around and wonder why they just can't get more talented women to stay. Maybe one day they will get it. Maybe not. The place I am at now is not what I planned. It is both better and worse, but it is the path my life took. I will keep working hard, and I will find my next opportunity, and my next career success.

It took over a year for me to be at peace with my decision to leave. For a long time I wondered what if? What if I had a proper maternity leave in the first place? What if my colleagues had compassion instead of condescension? Asked how they could help, rather than snarkily talking about the unfairness of women getting special treatment. What if quality daycare was available for infants part time, so a woman could afford to work part time? What if (this one hurts so much) I didn't breastfeed my son, what if I just conceded that aspect of motherhood that I wanted to experience, much like I conceded being home with my infant in the first place? What if companies who suggested part time actually kept the work part time so women weren't afraid to go part time? What if I didn't have an athlete's mentality that I should just shut up and work harder? What if I knew better, remembered that I mattered, that I had a voice (as Coach Jack reminds her players)? Could I have used it, would it have made a difference? What if that job wasn't meant for me and no matter what I was going to leave one day. Did I still deserve better in my son's first year of life? I think so.


I am no professional athlete. But I bet women professional athletes shed tears about what if...I had the support I deserve? as well. 

Life goes on. I don't feel like I'm struggling anymore. My kids are five and two and a half now. They are a million times easier. It's bittersweet but I've bought my last box of diapers (potty training humble brag), and am giving away my baby stuff.

A lot of things brought me happiness over the past couple years, most of all my beloved children and husband. But also, for the umpteenth time in my life, hockey got me through. In survival mode, you give up a lot. Hockey was one indulgence I clung to, a passion I nurtured from a different angle than I had when I was a player. It brought me the same happiness.

It was a privilege to watch the Clarkson Cup Champion Markham Thunder play my alma mater Mercyhurst in the fall in an exhibition. It was a privilege to watch the Buffalo Beauts host the Connecticut Whale. It was a privilege to watch a Rivalry Series game in Detroit. It is a privilege to read each story that is written, see each picture taken, by women's hockey media. What a beautiful, impressive product the entire group has built.

Discovering the people who write about women's hockey brought me joy with the stories they wrote, and gave me the courage to participate in women's hockey fandom, gave me the courage to write. I have been fortunate to have been encouraged by a handful of people I don't even know in real life. What kindness; thank you. I don't miss playing hockey really, but I still love the game. To have found something to watch, something to while time away as I relax or wait for my kids to fall asleep next to me has been a gift.

I am so impressed by all the various people from coaches to players, management, media, volunteers, game day operations, play by play, bloggers, photographers, etc. I loved to see what they did on the ice, loved to hear their thoughts when they were interviewed, loved to see how writers would tell a tale, loved to see everyone fight for what they believe in, even if we aren't always getting along or agreeing. Thank you, all. You will be missed CW. Women's hockey will carry on, brighter days ahead and all that, but today was an ending, and it may take a while to be at peace with it, and there's sadness too.

***

There is a tweet going around about favorite CWHL moments. I don't know if I have a favorite. But there was a moment this year around the CWHL All Star game. I was feeling a bit discouraged as to not having local women's hockey to watch, in such despair I was thinking about taking the family to a Cleveland Monsters game. I wanted to go to the Clarkson Cup. I didn't feel like driving six hours each way, so looked up flights. $800 Cleveland to Toronto! Yeah, no. More despair.

I got to work putting my five year old to bed. She asked to watch some Hilary Knight highlights. We cuddled in bed and watched a shootout that Kunlun ended up winning, but Knight scored in. The videos were courtesy of a fan doing volunteer work (@wsporthilites) to make the game accessible to someone like me. Holding my daughter and teaching her about shootouts, and dekes, and hockey. It was not the Clarkson Cup, but in that moment, watching Knight score on Raty, it was enough.

Round 1:@LesCanadiennes Knight= good in SO@KunlunCWHL Miller is stopped by Masch#CWHL pic.twitter.com/2XxYMLAq1L

— Women's Sports Highlights (@WSportHilites) January 13, 2019

Legacies, leaps and bounds

Today, a border battle of sorts will take place in Hamden, Connecticut when the Wisconsin Badgers play the Minnesota Gophers for the women's Division I National Championship. Minnesota is seeking their first Championship since 2016, Wisconsin their first since 2011 (they've had 2 title game appearances since then). The game is broadcast on the Big Ten Network.

Wisconsin and Minnesota have a long tradition of hockey that goes back as long as hockey has been played. Their women's programs though, understandably have a shorter tenure. Minnesota's club team became varsity in 1997 (notable freshman and future Ohio State head coach Nadine Muzerall on the roster) and Wisconsin debuted in 1999 (freshman Kerry Weiland went on to play in the 2010 Olympics). Before the NCAA made women's hockey a championship sport, from 1997 to 2000 the first College National Championships were won under the AWCHA banner, an alliance created and financed by the US Olympic Committee.

In 2001 the NCAA awarded a championship in women's hockey for the first time, and since that time girls and women's participation in hockey in the US has more than doubled, from around 45,000 to almost 100,000 today. The ability to play for a National Championship, new college programs, and increased enrollment are all part of the legacy of the 1998 Olympics. In 2001 there was 23 NCAA Div I programs, compared to the 35 today. I would guess the number of varsity programs that existed prior to 1997 is in the low teens.

We are now one year removed from the shootout thriller in which the Lamoureux twins solidified their place in women's Olympic hockey lore. Monique scored the tying breakaway goal in the third, and Jocelyne delivered the oops I did it again / star spangled dangle, shootout winner for team USA. I have wondered what the legacy of those Olympics will be.

To me, the biggest legacy so far, the leap and bound forward, is seeing games and programming broadcast on the NHL Network.

Things didn't get off to a great start. The Four Nations Tournament in Saskatoon in the fall, featured a one camera, no commentary stream for Canada's first game. The next game, versus the US, was broadcast on tv in Canada, but was not at all available in the United States. Hell broke loose, as you would expect. At a last moment, the NHL.com streamed the Canadian broadcast of the final. You know how these things are finicky. Personally my computer kind of sucks, so I knew my best bet was to watch on my phone. Not ideal, yet still better than the the game one stream and, the game two blackout.

Things have only got better since then. A US Canada rivalry series was announced. There were some shit show elements, like at first it looked like BC players were going to have to miss the Beanpot, and other players were going to have to miss a weekend of league play. Ultimately the college players sat the series out, although pro leagues were affected. Hopefully that can be ironed out for next year. Yes, next year, there really needs to be a next year, because this thing was amazing. The lack of college players actually added an extra flavor to the whole thing, showcased a modified group of players, demonstrated the depth of both countries programs. Savannah Harmon, Hailey Scamurra, Halli Krzyzaniak, Brittany Howard, Victoria Bach, Rebecca Leslie, Ann Sophie Bettez....none of them Olympians yet, but absolutely wonderful players worth watching, some of who we may not have seen if the college kids are there. I would 100% make an annual event of going to a rivalry series game if it's nearby, again. All three games were broadcast on tv live, in the United States and Canada. That wasn't something that was happening before the 2018 Olympics.

And it goes on from there. Yesterday I enjoyed the half hour Patty Kaz ceremony where Kitchener native Loren Gabel (Clarkson University) won the Patty Kazmaier trophy. I never would have expected it to be broadcast on the NHL Network, and yet there it was, complete with a cool intro and highlight reels of the top 10. When Gabel was delivering her speech, a countdown to the upcoming NHL game appeared. I thought oh dear, this will be awkward, but thankfully the countdown was removed when it appeared things might be a minute or so behind schedule. Gabel's speech was completed, no terrible cutaway at the last moment.

There is always something that happens at these events - Cornell was congratulated on making their first Frozen Four (it's their fourth) but by and large it was just amazing to watch the event, see Patty Kazmaier's daughter Serena and granddaughter Emma present the award. Serena made comments to the players, congratulating them on their accomplishments and thanking them for pushing the limits of what women do. I relate to her comments. I simply enjoy watching these young women pursue their goals, their dreams, perform their talents on a big stage, entertaining us all the while.

I enjoyed hearing Serena talk about her mother, and the spirit of her mother's adventures and humanitarian work. Patty Kazmaier was an Ivy League graduate, a hockey player, and she eventually adventured west to Alaska and then California. She was a teacher, and did humanitarian work with immigrants, helping them apply for US citizenship. I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear stories like this about women who impact the world they live in. I hope we will see this event again on the NHL Network next year.

But perhaps the most incredible development happened just last week, when it was announced the Clarkson Cup Final will be broadcast on the NHL Network (it was already announced it would be on Sportsnet in Canada). I've already told my daughter Hilary Knight will be on tv today.  The game is staggered before the NCAA Championship. Who needs the basketball tournament? Not us! Women's hockey advocates have long argued that more support is needed at the pro level in terms of visibility and infrastructure support. We are getting it today.  The rosters are packed with stars, including 2012 Patty Kaz winner, Brianna Decker. With all this great hockey on tv today, as Badger fans would say, today is a great day for hockey.

As time goes on we'll see whether this increased visibility, a handful of games on television, is a lasting legacy of the 2018 Olympics. I sure hope it is. I'm sure I'll never know exactly how this happened, who picked up the phone and said let's make this happen, although I'll always be curious. While I acknowledge and am grateful for the support of the NHL, I know this progress always starts years, decades in advance. There are more people than could ever be recognized, ever be known. The people that do the work, that push that boulder up the mountain, so often go unseen and unrecognized.

I have no clever conclusion, can only say again that today is a great today for hockey, and all who watch and play today stand on the shoulders of those who came before us, like Patty Kazmaier, like those original Wisconsin and Minnesota players, and fans who have supported women's hockey for years. At the same time it's gratifying, undeniable, exciting and welcomed to see men's hockey embracing women's hockey more than ever, and making the women's game more visible than ever.

Syracuse Wins Its First Ever CHA Tournament Championship

They say every sports story is a story about overcoming adversity.

It was certainly the case on Friday when the #3 seed Syracuse defeated #1 seed RMU 6-2 to win its first ever CHA Tournament, and first ever bid to the NCAA Tournament.

It's not that Robert Morris was so much more favored than Syracuse to win, it's not that Robert Morris is that much better on paper or ice than Syracuse. But with six previous conference championship appearances and no wins, among other conference storylines, this wasn't the year many CHA fans picked Syracuse to win the tournament. For Syracuse fans, it probably makes their win that much sweeter.

The Orange finished the year third in the CHA, they had zero non conference wins and their record is currently 13-21-3. Currently ranked at 28th in the pairwise, they will be huge underdogs when they venture west next week to play one of Minnesota or Wisconsin in the NCAA Tournament. There is no doubt the regular season did not go the Orange's way, and looking back there are things they wish would have been different.

Despite that, they are also CHA Conference Tournament Champions for the first time in program history, and one only has to look a Syracuse's twiter feed to get a sense of what that means to the people involved:

PURE EMOTION! pic.twitter.com/rJilbyTBnM

— Syracuse Ice Hockey (@CuseIce) March 9, 2019

Early on in the season, it didn't seem likely the Orange would get to this point. Forget the 6 previous championship games, and a supposedly rising Penn State program for a moment. Consider the Orange's first game agaisnst RIT on November 16th. This group of Syracuse seniors had never lost to RIT, and entering the third period of the game Syracuse held a comfortable 4-2 lead. There was a play in the neutral zone where the RIT player dumped the puck from near the red line on net. You know how it goes - goalie bobbles the puck, thinks she has it, defenders stop skating, hungry forward keeps skating, whistle doesn't blow, and the world's easiest goal gets tapped into the net. The demise of the game continued from there, and RIT ended up not only winning 6-4, but winning the next game versus Syracuse as well.

On January 18th, Syracuse hosted first place Robert Morris. By now the Orange's record was 4-16-1 overall, and they were riding a 10 game losing streak. I tuned in to the end of game as it was tied late. What did I see, but the referees waving off a late goal scored by Syracuse that would have given them a much needed win. It's like they were cursed. There was no quit in the Orange though, and they made it to overtime and prevailed on a goal by Lindsay Eastwood.

With the overtime win, the tide turned a little bit on the Syracuse season. They suffered three more losses to Robert Morris in the regular season, and another loss and tie to  RIT, but also beat Mercyhurst twice, took 3 out of 4 points from Penn State, and swept Lindenwood, primarily alternating their goalies throughout. Going into the tournament, they could say to themselves, "look we've beaten every team in the league except RIT this year (and we tied them), so why not us to win the tournament?"

The tournament game I watched them play was of course the semi versus Mercyhurst. Mercyhurst played well, outshooting the Orange, scoring two power play goals, asserting themselves in the last minute of the opening period to score another. The main quibble I have with Mercyhurst's play is that twice they gave up a goal only a minute or so after scoring themselves. (That lack of consistency, that inability to lock down a moment is something the Lakers fought all year, but that is not the point of this post). The point is that after dispatching Lindenwood in the first game of the playoffs, Syracuse played excellent to beat the rested Lakers in the closest game of the tournament, and then soundly beat RMU in the final.

I can't speak to the beat down that happened in the final, but in the semi (it pains me to write this) Syracuse did everything right.

They got the first goal, a rebound after an odd person rush. The goal scorer was defender Lindsay Eastwood who made sure to high tail it down the ice to bang in any rebound. Twice when Mercyhurst scored, Cuse answered right after. Sickeningly (to me), Syracuse scored two of their goals on delayed penalties, both completely opportunistic plays that happened shortly after the linesman's arm went in the air - one a drop pass to Eastwood who sniped from the point in transition, another finding Anonda Hoppner on a breakaway as she was freed from the penalty box. In college, the penalty still needs to be served in that scenario, and so the Lakers lost 4 precious minutes of potential offense to killing a penalty for which the had already essentially paid a price. And the nail in the coffin, the late third period power play go ahead goal by defender Lindsay Eastwood. It was a career game for the junior, her first ever college hat trick.

If I put away my Laker fandom for a moment, and indulge myself merely as someone who loves sport and seeing people overcome adversity in the pursuit of success, the most impactful moment of the event was seeing a program win something for the first time.

In doing so, they expanded the blueprint of places a young hockey player can aspire to play at that have tasted success. Lack of parity is often a criticism of women's sport, and women's sport fandom is weird in that you don't just cheer for your team, you cheer for growth, parity, visibility, and opportunity, as well. The Orange win represented many of those things, and it didn't come easy. It was an 11 year battle, led by an accomplished coach with previous NCAA success to get to this point:

THE LEGEND 🐐 pic.twitter.com/XgtkQrvesv

— Syracuse Ice Hockey (@CuseIce) March 9, 2019

There are very few active Division I coaches who have started a program from scratch, and still coach the program today. Without researching it, I would estimate the list is Mike Sisti, Paul Flanagan, Erin Hamlen (Merrimack), and maybe Peter Van Buskirk (Holy Cross). Of that list, only Sisti and Flanagan have led their programs to an NCAA berth  at the DI level, and that Flanagan has done it two different programs is a tremendous accomplishment. Thanks to a fellow USCHO poster, I was reminded that another coach who has led two programs to an NCAA Tournament is Maura Crowell, who did so as interim head coach at Harvard in 2014, and then subsequently as head coach at UMD.

Lastly, the Syracuse conference tournament win does not just speak to expanding parity, et al, but there is something to be gleaned from the roster that did it. In an early season write up about the Orange, I lamented their loss of former U18 Canada goalie Edith D'Astous Moreau, and I wrote about how goaltending would be a question mark for the Orange. The regular season goaltending wasn't great, to be honest, but come tournament time, it was the Orange with the best goalie. Their goalie in the semi and final was Ady Cohen, a junior goalie not from Canada, Minnesota or Massachusetts. No she hails from Boynton Beach, Florida, reminding me once again the face of hockey is changing. And she didn't play her high school hockey at Shattuck St. Mary's or an east coast prep school. Rather, she played at the only prep school in Ohio, Gilmour Academy, based out of a Cleveland suburb. Cohen was named to the all tournament team, for her efforts. In the semi and final she stopped 55 of the 60 shots thrown her way for a .917 save percentage.Senior goalie Maddi Welch played the first game, vs Lindenwood.

While the next logical points of discussion are to consider what the Orange will do to prepare for the monumental task that faces them next week, or to surmise about what the conference tournament win might mean for the landscape of the CHA next year, I think the best thing to say is simply congrats, Orange:

CHA CHAMPIONS! 🍊 pic.twitter.com/CSyzRu6Rnx

— Syracuse Ice Hockey (@CuseIce) March 9, 2019

To read more about their win check out:
Title IX hockey:  https://titleixhockey.wordpress.com/2019/03/09/what-on-earth-just-happened/
CHA Women's Hockey website: http://www.chawomenshockey.com/news/2019/3/8/womens-ice-hockey-championship-game-recap.aspx