-Caroline Ouellette, Players' Own Voice
"I was that kind of invincible the first time I saw the movie "A League Of Their Own." I liked it for all the reasons a junior high jock might -- clever dialogue, funny characters, a sports tie-in. I was reaping the benefits of Title IX every day, but I had no understanding of the sea change it had caused, so the idea of sports being a "guy thing" felt like ancient history, the characters in the movie no more real than those in "The Mighty Ducks" or "Wayne's World."
It wasn't until I revisited the movie just a few years ago, after decades absorbing the blows of misogyny, with an earned understanding of the limitations placed on women by society, that I truly felt its power. I cried alone on my couch, newly moved by the women of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League, who lost the game they loved to men returning home from war."
-Sarah Spain, ESPN
Today is a sad day. No matter what comes next, when the CWHL announced it was folding today, for many it marked the end of their professional career in hockey. I can only imagine how those players, and members of the staffs are feeling. I am sorry.
Before I heard the news, what I wanted to blog about was why I read women's sports coverage. Instead, I will just write.
A couple years ago, I was out to lunch with two of my bosses, both of whom were mentors, one especially so. At the time I had a three year old, and an infant son who had just started daycare. I was struggling, working 50 plus hours a week, commuting an hour total a day. My son was nursing, I was pumping, and waking up at least once a night to feed him. We had new financial stress with a daycare bill that had just gone up $1,300 a month, now that we had two kids in care.
In survival mode, I cared for my children, did my work and let everything else go, until things calmed down a bit. I was doing a great job, but it was so hard. I asked for some help at work, some more flexibility in my work schedule to help me through. My bosses just didn't get it. They helped me a bit, but mostly said no, and came up with some asinine suggestions too (reduce my hours in five months, after busy season; reduce my pay now for one example). They had a loosey goosey approach to supporting mothers. We all had different arrangements, mine was the worst. My boss told me it was because I was so valuable to them. Another boss lectured me, told me I was lucky my husband and I had one in law in town to help us. It cut like a knife.
Meanwhile, there were other young women in the office who had infants as well. Some of our colleagues, young 30 somethings, mostly men but sometimes older women too, would openly disparage the women for needing some support, for having the audacity to ask to work from home on occasion for example, for maybe not being at their absolute best at this brief moment in their life, in their career.
Again, it cut like a knife. You don't know me, dear reader, but I work hard, and I'm good at what I do. The same is true of my colleagues who were being disparaged. I always understood that success happens when hard work meets opportunity, but in that time of my life I kept looking but could not find the opportunity. I felt alone.
It was a difficult back and forth thing, but I felt both that I was failing, and being failed. Today, I know the latter was far more true than the former, but it was hard to accept that in the moment. It was hard to accept that people who said they would support me weren't doing so, and hard to accept that I wasn't special - hard work alone and whatever potential I had would not prevent me from finding the limit of my own glass ceiling.
Back to that lunch with my bosses. We were in a sports bar and one of my bosses, seeing it on ESPN, pointed out that the women's hockey team was boycotting. I assumed he meant NWHL (they had recently cut salaries), and I'm embarrassed that my knee jerk reaction was to assume it was related to that, and made what I now know was an ignorant remark about not having fans in the seats.
Back at the office, I googled and learned what it was actually about. There was good coverage on ESPN, sure. But the outlet that covered the story non stop was the Ice Garden. In that moment, more than 25 years since I had first started hockey, I discovered women's hockey fandom. I've never left, and as long as women's hockey -and coverage- continues to exist, I never will.
It turns out, I needed hockey in my life at that moment. And not just any hockey, I needed women's hockey and that particular 2017 USWNT led by Meghan Duggan. There were three parts to their story that will never leave me.
The first is the incredible audacity of Team USA to have the 2014 Olympic jerseys' inside collar reference the men's 1980 Olympic gold medal, but not the women's 1998 gold medal. Can you imagine being Kelli Stack, Molly Schaus, or Alex Carpenter, BC Eagles representing Team USA, having the sweat off your neck soak into a collar that celebrated your teammates' college coach, Mark Johnson, but not your own college coach, Katie King? Two USA Hockey heroes, but only one worthy of recognition, apparently. This oversight is one of the things the women brought up when they talked about the disrespect they were shown by their governing body.
The second thing that will never leave me about their fight is the ending. Hilary Knight, whether you think she's the best player in the world, or on the best on that team or not, was the face of the team at that time. Hers was the last face we saw in both videos the team released - the first announcing the boycott, the second released after an agreement was reached. When the World Championship was won in overtime, on home soil, of course the goal came off the stick of Hilary Knight. You could not script better drama. I wanted more.
The third thing that will never leave me was the portion of their fight that related to maternity leave. God bless these women for fighting that fight, and winning it. What happens in sport is a microcosm for what occurs in the larger world. I only hope that one day all American women will have the benefit of a proper maternity leave policy.
As people are aware, United States federal law does not provide for paid maternity leaves. Depending on your employer you might get a financial benefit. Or, depending on your employer you might not even qualify for FMLA, which protects your job for 12 weeks but pays nothing. I had what would be considered a good job. Because of the timing of my pregnancy, they let me have 4 months off. I had a short term disability policy, 100% paid for by me, that provided 60% of 5 weeks pay. This is life in America for a privileged woman. It is not my nature to feel sorry for myself, but don't women deserve better? It was impossible for me to see the 2017 USWNT's fight with their governing body, and not see some version of the challenges I felt in my own life.
Their ability to find their voice, to organize, to fight, to win, is what I needed to see. It's helped me more than any book by Peggy Orenstein, or Sheryl Sandberg, or Annemarie Slaughter, or, or, or. And, in the time since that 2017 WWC I have continued to learn from, gain strength from, and be inspired by the strong women in sport, and all people who support it.
I ultimately left the job I was at. I grew a lot and got good mentoring there, for most of my eight years there, although in the end we outgrew each other. I'm sure they look around and wonder why they just can't get more talented women to stay. Maybe one day they will get it. Maybe not. The place I am at now is not what I planned. It is both better and worse, but it is the path my life took. I will keep working hard, and I will find my next opportunity, and my next career success.
It took over a year for me to be at peace with my decision to leave. For a long time I wondered what if? What if I had a proper maternity leave in the first place? What if my colleagues had compassion instead of condescension? Asked how they could help, rather than snarkily talking about the unfairness of women getting special treatment. What if quality daycare was available for infants part time, so a woman could afford to work part time? What if (this one hurts so much) I didn't breastfeed my son, what if I just conceded that aspect of motherhood that I wanted to experience, much like I conceded being home with my infant in the first place? What if companies who suggested part time actually kept the work part time so women weren't afraid to go part time? What if I didn't have an athlete's mentality that I should just shut up and work harder? What if I knew better, remembered that I mattered, that I had a voice (as Coach Jack reminds her players)? Could I have used it, would it have made a difference? What if that job wasn't meant for me and no matter what I was going to leave one day. Did I still deserve better in my son's first year of life? I think so.
I am no professional athlete. But I bet women professional athletes shed tears about what if...I had the support I deserve? as well.
Life goes on. I don't feel like I'm struggling anymore. My kids are five and two and a half now. They are a million times easier. It's bittersweet but I've bought my last box of diapers (potty training humble brag), and am giving away my baby stuff.
A lot of things brought me happiness over the past couple years, most of all my beloved children and husband. But also, for the umpteenth time in my life, hockey got me through. In survival mode, you give up a lot. Hockey was one indulgence I clung to, a passion I nurtured from a different angle than I had when I was a player. It brought me the same happiness.
It was a privilege to watch the Clarkson Cup Champion Markham Thunder play my alma mater Mercyhurst in the fall in an exhibition. It was a privilege to watch the Buffalo Beauts host the Connecticut Whale. It was a privilege to watch a Rivalry Series game in Detroit. It is a privilege to read each story that is written, see each picture taken, by women's hockey media. What a beautiful, impressive product the entire group has built.
Discovering the people who write about women's hockey brought me joy with the stories they wrote, and gave me the courage to participate in women's hockey fandom, gave me the courage to write. I have been fortunate to have been encouraged by a handful of people I don't even know in real life. What kindness; thank you. I don't miss playing hockey really, but I still love the game. To have found something to watch, something to while time away as I relax or wait for my kids to fall asleep next to me has been a gift.
I am so impressed by all the various people from coaches to players, management, media, volunteers, game day operations, play by play, bloggers, photographers, etc. I loved to see what they did on the ice, loved to hear their thoughts when they were interviewed, loved to see how writers would tell a tale, loved to see everyone fight for what they believe in, even if we aren't always getting along or agreeing. Thank you, all. You will be missed CW. Women's hockey will carry on, brighter days ahead and all that, but today was an ending, and it may take a while to be at peace with it, and there's sadness too.
***
There is a tweet going around about favorite CWHL moments. I don't know if I have a favorite. But there was a moment this year around the CWHL All Star game. I was feeling a bit discouraged as to not having local women's hockey to watch, in such despair I was thinking about taking the family to a Cleveland Monsters game. I wanted to go to the Clarkson Cup. I didn't feel like driving six hours each way, so looked up flights. $800 Cleveland to Toronto! Yeah, no. More despair.
I got to work putting my five year old to bed. She asked to watch some Hilary Knight highlights. We cuddled in bed and watched a shootout that Kunlun ended up winning, but Knight scored in. The videos were courtesy of a fan doing volunteer work (@wsporthilites) to make the game accessible to someone like me. Holding my daughter and teaching her about shootouts, and dekes, and hockey. It was not the Clarkson Cup, but in that moment, watching Knight score on Raty, it was enough.
Round 1:@LesCanadiennes Knight= good in SO@KunlunCWHL Miller is stopped by Masch#CWHL pic.twitter.com/2XxYMLAq1L— Women's Sports Highlights (@WSportHilites) January 13, 2019
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